I'm so upset about this I don't feel like writing some clever lead in, so I'll get straight to the point, Montel Williams is going to Hell. I saw him on television yesterday selling pressure cookers. Why in the Blue Hell would anyone buy a pressure cooker that is endorsed by Montel Williams? After following up on a tip from a reliable source, I discovered that he was also selling blenders. Apparently, he has a small appliance empire. First predatory payday loans and now this. While I'm on the subject of predators...why are Magic Johnson and Troy Aikman endorsing Rent-A-Center? Do they even know what it is? We'll, Magic probably does...but he hasn't been in one since the 70s. Why would they encourage disadvantaged people to pay $18,000 for a $500 television?...but I digress. Montel Williams is what's wrong with the world. He is a Navy veteran (honorable), a Naval Academy graduate (commendable), a cryptology analyst (I did this too), and a bunch of other stuff. How does this qualify him to sell pressure cookers?
I understand marketing a little bit. I have a bunch of Wolfgang Puck appliances. Do I really think he uses the stuff that I bought? Eff no!...but he's a chef, so it makes sense. He gives credibility to the product. Why does Chuck Norris sell Total Gyms? Because he can wear a pair of Moose Knuckle Edition Wranglers and a pair of cowboy boots and kick a 6'5" man in the temple...and he's awesome. He could be the president of Texas one day. Why did my parents spend thousands of dollars on Air Jordans? They didn't think I would be the next Michael Jordan if I wore the shoes, but he was the world's best basketball player and he was selling basketball shoes. It makes sense. *note to self, write your Michael Jordan entry today*
Even if the endorsement or commercial doesn't make sense, as long as it's entertaining, the purpose is served. No one thinks that they can buy insurance from a gecko or a caveman. However, those commercials are memorable and maybe, just maybe, people would buy a product from a company with a sense of humor.
Even if the commercial or endorsement doesn't make sense and isn't entertaining, it can still tug at your heart strings. How many dollars did America send to Africa because Sally Struthers showed pictures of little kids with flies on them? Not one person bothered to check to see that she was pocketing 98 cents from every dollar. Apparently 2 cents will get you a cup of yellow ass milk and a bowl of yellow ass rice. No thanks needed Ethiopia.
Breast (female) will sell anything and are acceptable and should be encouraged.
Which of the above scenarios does Montel's pressure cookers fall under? None of the above. He isn't credible, it isn't funny, it doesn't tug at the heart strings (Montel is a different kind of sad), and no tits. Maybe if he would've worn a jheri curl wig and asked the people how the food tasted I could've accepted it: "MMMM MMMM Bitch (Chappelle 2004)".
Who is at fault for Montel running wild selling crap? I blame President Obama. When he became president, people started saying that anyone could be anything they wanted to be. No they can't. Parents are telling their kids that they can be president if they want. No they can't. In the history of our country, we've only had 44 presidents. Do you really think Kyle Bufkin is going to be number 45 and living at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave one day? If he is living at that address, it'll be the one in Greeley. Do you think I told my parents that my ultimate dream was to work at a phone company? "Daddy, for my birthday can I have some spreadsheets?" "I'm going to be a manager one day and I'll have benefits and a 401k."
I said all of that to say this. Montel, just like Denny's, Chick-fil-a, and an assortment of other businesses...YOU'RE BANNED!
In closing, check out his wikipedia page. In his picture he's wearing an Ed Hardy shirt. He's a dirtbag.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wild Deuces
One day while enjoying a Rockies/Mariners game with my wife and our friend Kiko, I was eating extremely overpriced junk food like it was going out of style. After my last bite of hot dog, we were placed under a tornado warning and ultimately the game was canceled. There wasn't only a tornado forming over downtown Denver, there was also one brewing in my stomach. We had taken the lightrail downtown, so I had at least a 45 minute trip home and that would be after waiting for who knows how long for the train to leave. I ran into a restaurant in Lodo where the bathrooms are in the basement. I told Dorene to wait for me while I tended to my business. After a violent deuce and wonderful relief, a string of people started coming into the bathroom. This made my escape impossible. I can't allow people to see me coming out of a bathroom stall. Whenever the bathroom would get down to one person, another person would come in. I was having a conversation via text message with the Wife alerting her to the situation...as if she didn't already know...we've been married for a while and she knows my weaknesses. She proceeded to order drinks until I finally reappeared 1.5 hours later. It was hard to get up because my legs had fallen asleep, but I fought through the tingling pain and made a mad dash out the door and up the stairs. This was the last time I had an embarrassing deuce, but it wasn't the first.
I've had a condition that has plagued me since I was about 6 or 7 years old. I believe it started during a family trip to an amusement park named Magic Springs in Hot Springs, AR. After a long day at the park, my family stopped at Mc Donald's so I could use the bathroom. After eating junk food all day, I had a Trump sized deposit that I was going to leave. There were already people in the bathroom, but it didn't bother me. I strolled into a stall and proceeded to do my business. I think this is where my problem began. I was having difficulty making my deposit and I remember straining and grunting. One of the people in the bathroom said "it's okay, let it out little man...let it out". I knew that this was supposed to be a private moment, but I think it trained me to believe that I would be graded every time I did it in public.
Fast forward to a day in 3rd grade. I remember having to Number 2, but I couldn't bring myself to do it at school. I went to the office to call my Dad to tell him that my stomach hurt and I needed to come home. This was the first time, but it wasn't the last time. During my elementary school career, I probably missed more classes than Blue Chip Division 1 athletes.
After learning to live with Deuce Induced Truancy, life was good...until boot camp. There were many a midnight rendezvous with the immaculately clean receptacles. Because of boot camp, I figured that my problem was a cultural issue. All of my White ship mates didn't have a problem dropping deuces with an audience. They also didn't have a problem having conversations while doing it. I never remember seeing any of my Black ship mates going into a stall.
While living in Hawaii, this cultural angle gained steam because my best friend Tony, Black guy, told me how he would go to the last stall when no one was in the bathroom and if someone entered, he raised his feet so people wouldn't know he was there. To me, the evidence was conclusive, Black people couldn't Number 2 in public. This fact was almost a deal breaker between my wife and me. While on one of our first dates, we were enjoying a movie at her apartment. In the middle of the movie, the tornado started churning again. I told her I had to go home to feed my turtle, but 5 minutes after leaving her apartment, my phobia got the best of me. It was the nastiest 30 minute drive home ever.
I've been living with this problem for a long time and thought there was nothing I could do because it was a Black thing. Recently, 2 days ago at The Colorado Rapids Happy Hour, I learned that some White people have the same fears. My friend Chris (last name withheld) told me that he has an extra pair of shoes at work so when he uses the bathroom, no one can identify him by his footwear.
I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people with outgoing personalities may have a fear of being seen in compromising positions. I know for a fact that Chris, Tony, and I make fun of people all the time. It's not malicious bullying type of stuff, just having fun at the expense of someone else. What if one of these people kicked in the door at one of your most vulnerable moments? That would be devastating...remember "it's okay, let it out little man...let it out"?...devastating.
I've had a condition that has plagued me since I was about 6 or 7 years old. I believe it started during a family trip to an amusement park named Magic Springs in Hot Springs, AR. After a long day at the park, my family stopped at Mc Donald's so I could use the bathroom. After eating junk food all day, I had a Trump sized deposit that I was going to leave. There were already people in the bathroom, but it didn't bother me. I strolled into a stall and proceeded to do my business. I think this is where my problem began. I was having difficulty making my deposit and I remember straining and grunting. One of the people in the bathroom said "it's okay, let it out little man...let it out". I knew that this was supposed to be a private moment, but I think it trained me to believe that I would be graded every time I did it in public.
Fast forward to a day in 3rd grade. I remember having to Number 2, but I couldn't bring myself to do it at school. I went to the office to call my Dad to tell him that my stomach hurt and I needed to come home. This was the first time, but it wasn't the last time. During my elementary school career, I probably missed more classes than Blue Chip Division 1 athletes.
After learning to live with Deuce Induced Truancy, life was good...until boot camp. There were many a midnight rendezvous with the immaculately clean receptacles. Because of boot camp, I figured that my problem was a cultural issue. All of my White ship mates didn't have a problem dropping deuces with an audience. They also didn't have a problem having conversations while doing it. I never remember seeing any of my Black ship mates going into a stall.
While living in Hawaii, this cultural angle gained steam because my best friend Tony, Black guy, told me how he would go to the last stall when no one was in the bathroom and if someone entered, he raised his feet so people wouldn't know he was there. To me, the evidence was conclusive, Black people couldn't Number 2 in public. This fact was almost a deal breaker between my wife and me. While on one of our first dates, we were enjoying a movie at her apartment. In the middle of the movie, the tornado started churning again. I told her I had to go home to feed my turtle, but 5 minutes after leaving her apartment, my phobia got the best of me. It was the nastiest 30 minute drive home ever.
I've been living with this problem for a long time and thought there was nothing I could do because it was a Black thing. Recently, 2 days ago at The Colorado Rapids Happy Hour, I learned that some White people have the same fears. My friend Chris (last name withheld) told me that he has an extra pair of shoes at work so when he uses the bathroom, no one can identify him by his footwear.
I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people with outgoing personalities may have a fear of being seen in compromising positions. I know for a fact that Chris, Tony, and I make fun of people all the time. It's not malicious bullying type of stuff, just having fun at the expense of someone else. What if one of these people kicked in the door at one of your most vulnerable moments? That would be devastating...remember "it's okay, let it out little man...let it out"?...devastating.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Here We Go Again
iWeb on my Mac is being riduculous, so I'm doing it here. Here it goes again:
So the Mrs. and I attempted to start a blog for our family before but stopped entering updates and I can't remember where it is. Since we, mostly I, have strange things happen all the time, experiment with pie in the sky ideas, and often say some of the most offensive things a person could think of, I thought it would be a good idea to share with our family and friends.
So the Mrs. and I attempted to start a blog for our family before but stopped entering updates and I can't remember where it is. Since we, mostly I, have strange things happen all the time, experiment with pie in the sky ideas, and often say some of the most offensive things a person could think of, I thought it would be a good idea to share with our family and friends.
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