Enough is Enough

I'm so upset about this I don't feel like writing some clever lead in, so I'll get straight to the point, Montel Williams is going to Hell. I saw him on television yesterday selling pressure cookers. Why in the Blue Hell would anyone buy a pressure cooker that is endorsed by Montel Williams? After following up on a tip from a reliable source, I discovered that he was also selling blenders. Apparently, he has a small appliance empire. First predatory payday loans and now this. While I'm on the subject of predators...why are Magic Johnson and Troy Aikman endorsing Rent-A-Center? Do they even know what it is? We'll, Magic probably does...but he hasn't been in one since the 70s. Why would they encourage disadvantaged people to pay $18,000 for a $500 television?...but I digress. Montel Williams is what's wrong with the world. He is a Navy veteran (honorable), a Naval Academy graduate (commendable), a cryptology analyst (I did this too), and a bunch of other stuff. How does this qualify him to sell pressure cookers?

I understand marketing a little bit. I have a bunch of Wolfgang Puck appliances. Do I really think he uses the stuff that I bought? Eff no!...but he's a chef, so it makes sense. He gives credibility to the product. Why does Chuck Norris sell Total Gyms? Because he can wear a pair of Moose Knuckle Edition Wranglers and a pair of cowboy boots and kick a 6'5" man in the temple...and he's awesome. He could be the president of Texas one day. Why did my parents spend thousands of dollars on Air Jordans? They didn't think I would be the next Michael Jordan if I wore the shoes, but he was the world's best basketball player and he was selling basketball shoes. It makes sense. *note to self, write your Michael Jordan entry today*

Even if the endorsement or commercial doesn't make sense, as long as it's entertaining, the purpose is served. No one thinks that they can buy insurance from a gecko or a caveman. However, those commercials are memorable and maybe, just maybe, people would buy a product from a company with a sense of humor.

Even if the commercial or endorsement doesn't make sense and isn't entertaining, it can still tug at your heart strings. How many dollars did America send to Africa because Sally Struthers showed pictures of little kids with flies on them? Not one person bothered to check to see that she was pocketing 98 cents from every dollar. Apparently 2 cents will get you a cup of yellow ass milk and a bowl of yellow ass rice. No thanks needed Ethiopia.

Breast (female) will sell anything and are acceptable and should be encouraged.

Which of the above scenarios does Montel's pressure cookers fall under? None of the above. He isn't credible, it isn't funny, it doesn't tug at the heart strings (Montel is a different kind of sad), and no tits. Maybe if he would've worn a jheri curl wig and asked the people how the food tasted I could've accepted it: "MMMM MMMM Bitch (Chappelle 2004)".

Who is at fault for Montel running wild selling crap? I blame President Obama. When he became president, people started saying that anyone could be anything they wanted to be. No they can't. Parents are telling their kids that they can be president if they want. No they can't. In the history of our country, we've only had 44 presidents. Do you really think Kyle Bufkin is going to be number 45 and living at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave one day? If he is living at that address, it'll be the one in Greeley. Do you think I told my parents that my ultimate dream was to work at a phone company? "Daddy, for my birthday can I have some spreadsheets?" "I'm going to be a manager one day and I'll have benefits and a 401k."

I said all of that to say this. Montel, just like Denny's, Chick-fil-a, and an assortment of other businesses...YOU'RE BANNED!

In closing, check out his wikipedia page. In his picture he's wearing an Ed Hardy shirt. He's a dirtbag.